Coming from a family of 9 girls I was quickly taught that being sweet, vulnerable and sensitive was a weakness and unlovable. Vanity beauty and sex appeal was a way to receive love from my father. It was only when I began a little modeling at 18, when he began to recognize me and finally found something to speak about…
This did not make me happy and I use to cry a lot after visiting because he never asked how I was but only focused on my weight, fitness and looks. I guess as no 13 in the family this was my only recognition from him so I guess it was better than nothing. Finally, something was about me! It wasn’t easy times as I had to also overcome 8 other sisters who may have been affected trying to get the same attention….
This behavior entrapped a very sensitive soul and created another personality to protect her from being hurt. To survive in this world, I used this beauty to gain value even if I knew it meant to bury myself alive. There was no way the world accepted my sensitivity and vulnerability and that’s when another side of me showed up, she was powerful, strong, daring, fearless, captivating and a little dangerous to herself.
I suffered the day I bought into this for the next 20 years as my empath gift was suppressed, my trueness buried, my depression hidden and my self-destructive behavior and addictions came alive. This me was what the world loved, I was entertaining and bouncing between 2 personalities that had everything, charm, compassion, love and a lot of naughtiness. It was so toxic mentally that I suffered silently in this madness, my conscious trying to fight me and my fears holding me hostage. I had nowhere to turn no one that would understand.
This became my reality and on top of that I became a successful entrepreneur based on a value system that only I understood in all its madness. It was not by all means easy hiding so much pain and anguish as I was an inspiration to others, I had their answers they trusted me but they never knew the brokenness inside.
Today I value myself wholly, fully and unconditionally with love and integrity because finally I understood and learnt to validate myself. I showed up for me and I owned my own space, so no one has the right to tell me who I am.
We all have stories that at some stage steal our power of self- value, we use different ways and forms to gain recognition for our greatness even if it means not being true to ourselves but once we awaken from this sleep only then you will find your true beauty and set yourself free!